MARRIED TO DISTRACTION(ISBN=9780345508003) 英文原版 电子书 pdf 百度云 下载 epub 2025 免费 mobi 在线

　　Are you more distant from your spouse than you’d like to be?

Do you or your spouse waste time mindlessly viewing email or

surfing the Web? Welcome to the club! Modern marriage is busy,

distracted, and overloaded to extremes, with ever-increasing lists

of things to do, superficial electronic connections, and

interrupted moments. The good news is that there are

straightforward and effective ways to restore communication and

connection, resurrect happiness and romance, and strengthen—even

save—a marriage.

· Observe the natural sequence of sustaining love: attention,

time, connection, and play.

· Develop and nurture empathy—the essential building block to

healthy communication.

· Carve out small moments of uninterrupted attention for each

other.

· Identify the pressures that our crazybusy lifestyles put on

love and marriage, and fight back with tenderness and

appreciation.

Complete with *s, tips, communication techniques, and a

detailed 30-day reconnection plan, as well as inspiring real-life

stories, Married to Distraction will set couples on a course of

understanding, healing, and love.

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　　Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., was an instructor at Harvard

Medical School for twenty years and is now the director of the

Hallowell Centers for Cognitive and Emotional Health in Sudbury,

Massachusetts, and New York City. He is the co-author of

Delivered from Distraction and Driven to Distraction

as well as the author of CrazyBusy, The Childhood Roots of Adult

Happiness, and Worry, among other titles.

　　Sue George Hallowell, LICSW, has been a practicing couples’

therapist for more than twenty-five years. The Hallowells are

the parents of three teenage children. They live in Arlington,

Massachusetts.

　　From the Hardcover edition.

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　　Chapter One

　　The Anatomy of Modern Love

　　Praised be the fathomless universe, For life and joy, and for

objects and knowledge curious, And for love, sweet love--but

praise! praise! praise! --WALT WHITMAN

　　You've picked up this book for a reason. Your concern is

love.

　　You've likely hit a snag, maybe a small one, maybe large. Human

intimacy is so complex, so coiled and convoluted, that it's hard

not to hit a snag. Most of us hit snags all the time in our

dealings with others, especially those we are closest to. So,

ifyou've hit a snag, just hang on. Keep up the effort. Anyone who

tells you it's easy to stay together over the long haul has never

done it. If you're still taking it seriously and working at it,

your efforts will pay off as long as you have a plan that

makessense. It's not enough just to take it seriously and work at

it. Some people work at it their whole lives long and get nowhere.

To help your efforts to keep your love alive and your marriage

intact, we offer a plan based on what we know works best.

　　When a couple is in a good place, each partner feels secure and

fulfilled. To feel secure and fulfilled in a relationship, both

people need to feel:

　　* that the other person thinks highly of them. * that the other

person cares deeply for them. *that the other person thinks they

are proficient at something. Beyond that, for love to become what

we all want it to become, a smile should cross your face when you

think of your mate. You ought to think of him or her as someone you

have fun with, someone you look forward to seeing, someone who for

an undefinablereason makes life feel special. You want to feel that

he or she casts a glow into your life that makes you feel good, no

matter what else might be going on.

　　When all goes right, a natural sequence of five steps leads to

such happiness in love. Each step should usher in the next, but, as

we will later describe, modern life tends to snag each one. The

steps are:

　　1. Attention 2. Time 3. Empathy 4. Connection 5. Play

　　Love begins in attention. Love begins when you notice another

person. Love starts with a catching of your eye. Be it on some

enchanted evening across a crowded room, or via an ad on Match.com,

some signal--somehow--draws your attention to one person andnot to

another. No one has ever figured out exactly why and how this

happens when and where it does--but it does, and has done so since

the dawn of time.

　　In today's world, distractions interrupt attention all the time.

The basic prerequisite of love--attention--can seem impossible to

give or get.

　　Once you have each other's attention--no small feat--the next

step toward love is to sustain that attention over time. Without

sustained attention, love cannot grow. On the other hand, too much

attention can snuff it out. While some people purport to knowthe

right proportions in advance, each love is different, which is why

there is no one recipe and why "prescriptions for finding love"

offered by "experts" so often fail.

　　Giving and receiving attention becomes a kind of dance as love

grows. Now you see me, now you don't. Playing hard to get. Don't be

too easy. If you want me, you'll have to pursue me. At this stage,

attention is often focused on the other in absentia.

Resistingpicking up the phone to make the call. Deliberately

avoiding the other person while thinking about him or her day and

night. Preoccupied by the other person, but keeping a certain

distance. This is the dance of developing love.

　　Once again, our age of distraction can disrupt the dance. If you

don't have time to ponder and wonder, if you don't have time to

approach and avoid and put your heart into it, then love will

falter here, not because you are a mismatch but because you havenot

created sufficient focus for love to grow.

　　Attention given and received in proper measure over time, a

recipe that varies from couple to couple, leads to a deeper

interest in and a greater knowledge of the other person, which

constitutes understanding and empathy.

　　Mutual empathy creates a connection. It is impossible to

overestimate the power of connection at its strongest. It drives

life. But it cannot develop if people are unable to sustain

attention over time. Such a mundane obstacle--distraction--ruins

millionsof potentially intimate relationships in our modern

age.

　　But if you are able to create genuine connection, you've got it

made. This is the great reward of love. In connection, you feel

safe enough to become vulnerable. You feel safe enough to let go

and to play. Play is the main action of true love. By playwe mean

any activity in which your imagination comes alive.

　　Play often begets its cousin, celebration. New research shows

that more important than being there for your partner when times

are tough is being there for your partner when times are good. The

study found that being excited and happy for your partnerwhen he or

she brings home good news was a stronger predictor of the strength

of the relationship than being stalwart when bad news hits.

　　Being able to play and to celebrate--being able to have fun

together--are far more important than most people believe. They are

a cornerstone of all great relationships.

　　As we have mentioned and will continue to show, the conditions of

modern life threaten all five of the steps we've named, which in

turn threatens the vibrancy and power of your love--not because you

are mismatched, not because you are impaired people,but simply

because today's world sets unique traps that can derail even the

best relationships.

　　Of course, we don't know exactly how the help you'll find here

will help you because we don't know the particulars of your

situation. You may be in great distress, or just a little worried.

Whatever the case, you probably want to get more from your

marriage(or other close relationship) than you are currently

getting. This book will help you in that regard. If you follow the

suggestions we offer in these pages, it will be impossible for you

not to develop a closer and more enjoyable relationship. And don't

worry,the suggestions are not at all difficult to implement. You

won't have to learn a foreign language or join a new religion. All

you really have to do is set aside some time. Not easy, but

possible, right? You may believe your marriage is basically good,

but it could use a tweak. Or you might feel like the person who

once said to Ned, "I know my marriage is just fine . . . until I

stop and think about it."

　　There is likely love in your marriage, and we will build on that

love. But even if you think there is no love, we will help you

search out what's positive. At the heart of our method is the

identification and development of what's already good. You

wouldn'tbe with your partner if you didn't once have love, or

something like love, but that love might now not be so easy to

find.

　　As one of Ned's patients once said, "My husband and I work so

hard to get everything done, we're like a small business, and

businesses don't run on love. Earn the money, take care of the

kids, keep up the house, do the holidays and birthdays and

celebrations,bake the cookies, do the school and homework thing,

keep up with the relatives, you know the drill. With all there is

to get done, I sometimes ask myself, 'But where's the love?' You

know, like, get real, who has time for that?"

　　At times we're simply too busy to pay attention to the people we

love the most. We take them for granted. There's just so much to

do. You may be exasperated at how difficult it has become to get

your spouse's full attention or to find some enjoyable chunksof

time for yourselves together, time when you're both fully

present.

　　Life has also become so insecure, so fraught with worry and

uncertainty, that it can be difficult to connect romantically. You

may feel as if you are handling one crisis after another, or at

best, one worry after another.

　　We do live in worried times. So, you're probably not only looking

for deeper love but also for greater stability . . . in a world

where neither love nor stability is easy to find.

　　You also may be hoping for some fun. But today, fun often gives

way to fear. As you read this, you may be wondering if any of the

hopes we've mentioned are realistically possible given the frenzy

and anxiety of modern life and all the stuff you have todo just to

stay afloat. Marital bliss may seem like a preposterous pipe dream,

not an attainable goal. Perhaps marital bliss is hyperbole, but

genuine joy in a marriage is a goal that we believe any person can

reach. We believe the pipe dream is not preposterous. We will show

you what you can do to overcome many of the obstacles marriages and

other intimaterelationships face these days.

　　We want to connect with you, no matter where you are emotionally.

As we wrote the book, we always imagined your side of the

conversation, your concerns, your needs, and we tried to anticipate

what you might want to know. We've looked at marriage in a

moderncontext, your context.

　　One of the most jarring facts about modern life is how angry,

contentious, and unfriendly it can be. Thanks to technology, we

live in an age of instant gotcha!--an age of nonstop gossip and

muckraking streaming endlessly across screens worldwide, an ageof

disappearing privacy and mounting mistrust, an age of witty

ridicule in which the clever put-down gets attention, while the pat

on the back seems hokey and obsolete.

　　Yet, most of us would like a pat on the back as well as some

harmony in our lives. Aren't you tired of exposes, fallen heroes,

corrupt leaders, and broken promises? Wouldn't you like...

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媒体评论

　　“I urge all people who yearn for more in their marriages to

read this book—in particular, those hungry to move beyond conflict

and condemnation to connection and understanding.”—Judith Warner,

author of Perfect Madness　　

　　“Wise and compassionate . . . This is a unique, engaging, and

profoundly helpful book. It can save a marriage or simply help

people in happy marriages get closer and feel more fulfilled.”—Suzy

Welch, author of 10-10-10: A Life-Transforming Idea

　　“This timely book could save your marriage.” —Maggie Jackson,

author of Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark

Age

　　“Clear-sighted wisdom . . . Those in search of practical,

concrete advice for creating and saving marriages will find what

they need.”—Publishers Weekly (starred review)

书籍介绍

Are you more distant from your spouse than you’d like to be? Do you or your spouse waste time mindlessly viewing email or surfing the Web? Welcome to the club! Modern marriage is busy, distracted, and overloaded to extremes, with ever-increasing lists of things to do, superficial electronic connections, and interrupted moments. The good news is that there are straightforward and effective ways to restore communication and connection, resurrect happiness and romance, and strengthen—even save—a marriage.

• Observe the natural sequence of sustaining love: attention, time, connection, and play.

• Develop and nurture empathy—the essential building block to healthy communication.

• Carve out small moments of uninterrupted attention for each other.

• Identify the pressures that our crazybusy lifestyles put on love and marriage, and fight back with tenderness and appreciation.

Complete with scripts, tips, communication techniques, and a detailed 30-day reconnection plan, as well as inspiring real-life stories, Married to Distraction will set couples on a course of understanding, healing, and love.